Hello, my lovely blog-followers!
It’s me, Scar, again.
I felt a need to update you all and make sure you know I’m doing well, after my last post. it was probably a bit harrowing to those that care about me. I promise, I’m doing much better now, than I was early on this week. There really isn’t much comparison. I still have big panic attacks here and there, but, for the most part, I’m doing fairly great by comparison.
Brian and I are doing loads better, especially after our talk last night when I had a huge panic attack and freak out, that had been building up from nothing. Honestly, I don’t know where these feelings and fears were coming from, but I was terrified of him leaving me, and last night it hit me like a freight train out of nowhere, and I fell to pieces while he was in the bathroom. and instead of trying to talk it out like a normal person, I did what I always do, and I shut down, and tried to go to bed. Thankfully, he kept at me until I talked about what was going on in my head, and got me to blurt out the things my anxiety was yelling at me, and we talked it all out, he reassured me that he’s not ever leaving unless I ask him to (which he also confirmed he doesn’t see me doing, and I am definitely not going to, else, why freak out like that?) and we both calmed each other down with lots of cuddling and some chaste kissing (because I still can’t handle much more than that yet, since I figured out what my mother’s husband did to me, but, we’re slowly getting past those barriers, thankfully, because I miss the affection we used to have not freaking me out.)
we also both slept loads better last night, being cuddled up to each other, and I don’t think either of us moved at all until we woke up this morning, and for the first time in ages, I actually woke up feeling rested and haven’t been in nearly as much pain as usual, today. It’s remarkable what letting out your bad feelings and having your fears resolved can do for your sleep…
Emotionally, I’m handling life loads better. I’m a lot less stressed most of the time, though, a lot of that time is spent simply asleep, haha. But, that’s not on purpose, I just fall asleep a lot, and not by choice. Usually soon after eating. I think it’s connected to my diabetes, but, could be it’s actually not. won’t likely know for a bit though, and my sugars haven’t been high enough when it happens to take medication, and monitoring them as much as I do, they still don’t spike enough for long enough to require medications. I probably just need to monitor what I eat or something, but, I need a nutritionist’s help for that.
I drink about 50 oz to 150 oz of water a day, depending on how thirsty I am. I only know because of how often I have to fill up my cup, or, how empty it is when I re-fill it the next morning. the days I drink less, I feel worse, the days I drink the most, I feel better, but, please don’t worry that I’m chugging water constantly. I don’t drink excessively at any time, I just always have water on hand, and make sure to drink any time I am thirsty, so that I don’t have to feel icky like I do when I get thirsty, and to regulate my blood sugars better. water is literally the only thing I drink, so, when Brian saw a 100 oz cup at 711 for $10, he bought it for me, so that I wouldn’t have to fill up my 32 oz cup so much, or go without water so often, when I am almost always really thirsty. Since the last time I had a water intoxication scare, I’ve been monitoring how much I drink at a time very closely, to avoid any mishaps. And I pee A LOT. Always making sure to go as soon as I can, anytime I have the need.
My mental health seems to be improving too, anxiety is still so-so, but, my depression is easing up a lot from how bad it was, and my cycles of mania are slowing down as well. My OCD episodes and compulsions have been less intense the past few days, and lasted shorter times, and my self harm and suicidal thoughts seem to be completely gone again, thankfully.
I am cold all the time now, but, I know because of last night that it’s not a blood pressure thing, seeing as my blood pressure was so high I could feel my heartbeat through my pillow, and I was still freezing, so, definitely has to be that it’s just, quite simply, cold here.
I’m enjoying the colder weather, though, I wish I had more warm clothes for this weather, or at least some warmer shoes. But I will be okay, I think. Maybe I can look for some warm shoes on amazon and put them on my wish list, or, ask for some from someone for Christmas.
I’m doing loads better though, and I’ll continue to do better, as life goes on.
I love you all, especially my sloth family. ♥♥
Happy Holidays, and Lots of Love to all of you and your families ♥♥